Crisis of Confidence.

This little troth I’m in is taking a bit longer to get out of.

I may be backtracking a little bit here, but after I came back from Florida at the end of May, I was a little disillusioned with my career.  It wasn’t anything specific that happened In Florida, just a general feeling I had when I got back, and I took advantage of the spring weather to switch gears and work on some car and yardwork related projects.

I had a car show weekend coming up in June and I worked a bit of a few cars but really not got anything specific finished in time.  The magnitude of all the projects is starting to wear my down.  And then the car show itself was a thing I attended with family members which has a way of sorta cramping one’s flamboyant style.

And it’s not anything specific that my family does to me, I mean, they more or less accept me as I am, but also expect me to still so things around the house that utilize some aspects of male gender roles.  This usually means that I need to maintain their property and it’s more than just mowing the lawn.  Its’ dealing with a lot of crap i don’t want to deal with

Sadly these are responsibilities that i can’t really get out of, in fact me doing them is me “doing my part”.  I don’t think they really understand how doing this stuff doesn’t fit in with my gender identity.  Sure, I don’t mind doing some things that I carry over from my boy life, but not everything.

And no, for various reasons, I can’t get someone else to do them.  Please don’t offer. I have my reasons and I can’t accept help in this area.  I’ll elaborate a bit more later maybe.  I was considering making a fundraiser for something that needs to be done that will free up more time for me to do shoots and save me time and effort and backbreaking labor, so I can do shoots instead.

I do have a bunch of solid concepts that I’m working on for shoots.  Though none of them are easy because they all all ambitious.  But I know the lack of new content on the site is making people lose interest.  Couple that with CCBill needing to deduct a lot from my paycheck for my Visa and MC merchant renewal fees and I’m not looking at good summer unless I turn things around.

Fuck, i hope I’m not coming down with Lyme disease again. Oh great. there goes my anxieties.  Like I said, I’m working on some concept and ideas and it looks like we have a nice solid week of  nice days and cool nights so this is the time to get some content out of the way .

Problem is, the model isn’t ready.  A big part of me being able to do what i do is based on me having that independence, and yes, even a certain amount of narcissism.   I have to get myself into the Tara Emory Universe to be comfortable back in front of the camera. It’ll happen, hopefully in a week or so.

I’ll report more later.

-Tara