This little troth I’m in is taking a bit longer to get out of.
I may be backtracking a little bit here, but after I came back from Florida at the end of May, I was a little disillusioned with my career. It wasn’t anything specific that happened In Florida, just a general feeling I had when I got back, and I took advantage of the spring weather to switch gears and work on some car and yardwork related projects.
I had a car show weekend coming up in June and I worked a bit of a few cars but really not got anything specific finished in time. The magnitude of all the projects is starting to wear my down. And then the car show itself was a thing I attended with family members which has a way of sorta cramping one’s flamboyant style.
And it’s not anything specific that my family does to me, I mean, they more or less accept me as I am, but also expect me to still so things around the house that utilize some aspects of male gender roles. This usually means that I need to maintain their property and it’s more than just mowing the lawn. Its’ dealing with a lot of crap i don’t want to deal with
Sadly these are responsibilities that i can’t really get out of, in fact me doing them is me “doing my part”. I don’t think they really understand how doing this stuff doesn’t fit in with my gender identity. Sure, I don’t mind doing some things that I carry over from my boy life, but not everything.
And no, for various reasons, I can’t get someone else to do them. Please don’t offer. I have my reasons and I can’t accept help in this area. I’ll elaborate a bit more later maybe. I was considering making a fundraiser for something that needs to be done that will free up more time for me to do shoots and save me time and effort and backbreaking labor, so I can do shoots instead.
I do have a bunch of solid concepts that I’m working on for shoots. Though none of them are easy because they all all ambitious. But I know the lack of new content on the site is making people lose interest. Couple that with CCBill needing to deduct a lot from my paycheck for my Visa and MC merchant renewal fees and I’m not looking at good summer unless I turn things around.
Fuck, i hope I’m not coming down with Lyme disease again. Oh great. there goes my anxieties. Like I said, I’m working on some concept and ideas and it looks like we have a nice solid week of nice days and cool nights so this is the time to get some content out of the way .
Problem is, the model isn’t ready. A big part of me being able to do what i do is based on me having that independence, and yes, even a certain amount of narcissism. I have to get myself into the Tara Emory Universe to be comfortable back in front of the camera. It’ll happen, hopefully in a week or so.
I’ll report more later.