Lost Weekend.

I know my brain is playing tricks on me, but I guess I’m going to make a blog post anyway.

Well, my last post was about my long and protracted experience with my housemate moving out and reclaiming her room as a sewing room so I could finally get my life back on track.  Well, two steps forward, one step back.   Which is better than one step forward two steps back, right?

Like I said, the roommate moving out was a “protracted” experience, mainly because she got sick with a nasty head cold /flu, which delayed everything by nearly a week.  Can you guess what sort of parting gift she gave me?  Really, can you guess?  I bet you can’t get what it is!

Yep, I’m sick as a dog this entire Memorial Day weekend, the weekend I had so many shoots planned.  I had already decided not to go to Fetish Factory Anniversary Weekend in Florida, mostly because the impending house sale still hasn’t fucking happened.  In other words I’m not in a position where I can really spend any money because yet again (for the third time), I’m going to have to re-apply for a mortgage and they really look at your finances with scrutiny.  Like I said, for the third time.  Sixty seven months since the first foray into buying this house (a house I rent and want to buy, for various reason that have to do with my career plan- a career plan that has since been put on hold again and again).

Long story short I’m on my third purchase and sales agreement with the sellers, and third mortgage approval with the bank (same bank, it’s just that it keeps expiring because the title of the house is somewhere in limbo, even when certain powers that be keep telling the bank to go ahead with the okay).

So right now I feel like shit, in body and soul.  I had several shoots planned for this weekend but they didn’t happen because I feel like crap, so I think I therefore look like crap and no one wants to try to even remotely feel sexy when they’re sneezing and have a head cold.  And I don’t know if it’s just me, but when I have a head cold, my brain runs around and round in circles.

Maybe this isn’t the right time to blog about anything.  I’m swamped in unfinished projects and..  I’m strongly considering just throwing in the towel on my career.  You know, you think  “would anyone notice or care if I retired?”

I know it’s just because I’ve been ill this weekend.  When you have a nasty head cold it fucks with your brain.  You really have no choice but to see yourself in the worst light.    You feel tired and achy and old and not at all sexy.

Plenty of things are happening right in my life, but it always seems to be little in comparison to the things that are happening wrong.   I can’t believe the mortgage thing fell through again.  Actually, correction, I can believe that.  It’s happened twice now and I almost expect the shit to happen this way.  Have you ever heard of a business plan being delayed for 3 years-  THREE FUCKING YEARS??? – and it seems like around every corner the thing is finally going to happen, but yet it doesn’t.

And all this while I felt so amazingly optimistic for the future earlier this week.  I think because that really good thing happened (person moving out)- it softened the blow of the inevitable crap news to follow later.  And then getting sick was the double whammy.  I really wanted to crank out some much needed content, but I can’t do that for a few days more.

Anyway, I wanted you all to know (all like 12 of you who follow my blog) why I haven’t been really active this last month, or for that matter, for the last couple of years.  In general I’m disillusioned with the business I’ve set up, and it has more to do with my business plan being put on hold month after month (now years) than anything else.

I hope I feel better tomorrow.   If I do I have two new shoots ready to go.

-Tara

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6 Responses to Lost Weekend.

  1. Hang in there sweetie, it will happen. It took us about every penny and once of energy to secure our dream house and five acres. When the blood and mud settles it will be worth all the madness. Keep to your guns and it will happen. Look forward to seeing you back to 100%.

    Brian

  2. Lee says:

    Good luck to you. Feel better.

  3. Lisa says:

    I can’t claim to have followed your career for years like others here. Nor am I going to fall all over myself to tell you how gorgeous you are, because I don’t see people like that (I know that’s not normal, but I don’t). Our paths crossed when I was looking for an acquaintance of yours, then I saw your work and became intrigued by the fantastic sets you created. The fact that they are for porn doesn’t even come into play for me. Anyone who puts that much effort into creating an entire background, then scraps it because it’s just not right for the scene and starts all over (Music Box Ballerina) gets nothing but respect from me. I appreciate the time, creativity and thoughtfulness you put into your work. And after reading about the house and all the other stuff you’ve gone through recently, all I can say is chica, you are ferocious!

    Let the head cold run its course and everything will come together.

  4. Art C says:

    Sorry you feel so under the weather. Hope you get it all back together soon, would hate to see you just up and quit what you do ,you do so it so well. Okay the doctor says wrap yourself in some fur and enjoy and keep warm. But remember to keep the fur on the inside for more enjoyment and warmth. Get well soon want and need to see your sexy body having some fun.

  5. cladsurp123 says:

    Get better soon.

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