Where do I start? I’m not doing well? I’m doing fine? I’m energized to do things, but damn I’m tired? Uhhhh…. I guess I’ll start off in some sort of chronological order here.
So I edited a bunch of video and got that up around July 3rd. It was a nice flurry of activity which (in my studio which isn’t easy to keep cool in the summer) when we get cool nights I need to take advantage of them. Sure, there’s an AC unit I can run, but it’s barely adequate and makes a huge electric bill.
This is something of a problem.. If you go on cam in a room that you have to run AC to counteract the hot lights, you better at least make enough money to offset the increase in your electric bill.. But i digress..
But yeah, I got a lot done that week because I’m under a lot of stress. Again, I don’t know where to start. I might be losing my studio space. I rent the space at a really low price, but the owners want to sell the building and want me to make an offer. Trouble is, I’m not nearly as confident about my business plan as I was, say 10 years ago when I moved in and had grandiose plans to take over the trans porn world.
Now, I’m far more cautious. Maybe I can’t buy this stupid building (it’s a 30′ x 70′ warehouse) after all. Maybe buying it will just put me more into debt. I’m doing a rounds to the banks now and see what they say. Maybe somehow I find investors in my business? I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing, to be honest.
I probably should make a separate post about my studio woes. I can’t even organize my brain well enough to come up with a plan to be honest. Because you see, I’m being squeezed on both sides.
I’m not sure how much I told people about this, but i’m in a double world of hurt with my house. You see, I switched insurance companies last year in the effort to save like $150 a year or something stupid like that. I was completely fine with the old company but my agent moved me to another company and they sent someone round back in October to like, I guess check on how many bathrooms I had and all that junk. Then a few months later, they made a litany of crap that they wanted me to do to the house to improve it’s condition, or else.. or else I don’t know, they’ll drop me, I guess?
Anyway, that short list was something like hire a roofing company to assess the condition of the roofing shingles, which are like 20 years old and a few fell off, and well, you all know that there isn’t a roofing company in existence that isn’t going to tell me that I need a new roof, KACHING! And then there was a bunch of siding work they want me to do, which is fine as I planned on doing that anyway. Most of what they want me to do are things I already planned to do, but I had hoped to get another few years out of the roof, at which point I would be more than happy to hammer on another layer of roofing shingles. The house is 250 years old and the rafters are 4 feet apart and the boards spanning the rafters sometimes have spaces between them, so the job really needs to be done by hand and not by a team of bozos with nail guns.
I’m sure if I paid for all this work to be done, it would cost tens of thousands of dollars and yay, I’m sure glad I switched companies just to save me $150 a year. YAAAAAYYYYYY. Fuck my life.
And then on top of that, at the worst possible moment, the guy who own the studio I rent, is like “Well I’m getting older and we’d like to sell the building ASAP” at precisely the same time that I’m under financial hardship as to potential tens of thousands of dollars of work the insurance assholes are making me do… so I don’t know how I’m going to not snap under the pressure here.
Sooo…. I’m either going to snap and run into the insurance company with an AK-47 and go crazy… or I’m going to politely tell them to fuck off, or maybe I’ll regain my composure and tell them that I can do “A” and “C”, but “B” ain’t gonna happen. They sent me two letters basically asking the same stuff, and one had a June deadline and another an August one, so I’m going to default to the August one.
In any event, all this stress was weighing heavily on my shoulders when I went off to the woods in Vermont for a regional Burning Man-type event (a “burn”) called Firefly. This was 5 days out in the woods with a bunch of hippies and trance music and LED and crazy art out in the woods. I myself used this as a way to express myself through my own crazy costumes and presentation as sort of a walking statuesque work of art. Here’s a couple of selfies. They’re not the best selfies, as the first two days were hot and humid beyond belief and the discomfort comes through in the photos.
After the first two nights, some thunderstorms blew through and the weather was much much nicer. I had a great experience but it’s mostly a personal thing that I’m not really sure how much I want to share on social media anyway. I was able to at least forget about my troubles for a little while. My only regret is that I didn’t get many photos in the Valkyrie outfit which I’m told was pretty impressive and yes, very painful to wear. Actually maybe that’s my subbie fetish, some sort of masochistic pleasure gotten from wearing painful outfits and painful shoes? There was definitely some sort of endorphin rush
But I’m sort of in the middle of it, so it’s completely impossible to describe my fetish to people, perhaps it’s better from the perspective of the people observing me?
So I got back from that, and I’m all like, -OK Tara, the best thing you can possibly do now, if you want to have any chance to save your studio, is to spend every waking minute out in the studio working on shoots, or unfinished projects out there. Maybe even get my website output back up to the levels that I had years ago before my productivity seems to have slowed down. If nothing else that at least uses up the space and I can sign off on props and or backgrounds that I’ve been holding on to forever.
So I came back all energized, but also really tired. Like reaaaaaaaallllly tired. Back at Firefly, I did probably walk around the event in the woods, yes, on trails, in yes- wait for it- 5″ or 6″ heels. And yes, I’m very very very very very good at that. In fact, I seem to have ankles of steel now, and I have this feeling that if I was about to twist my ankle, I could just flip my body upright just from my strong ankle muscles alone. Here’s a sampling of some of the footwear I brought, because nothing will kill the harmony of an outfit like having to wear like hiking boots or Birkenstocks with it.
Yeah, 7- 10 miles a day of walking meant that I was nearly dead for the first couple of days back home, and when I finally got some energy back, for some inexplicable reason, I couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting to be in the woods more. And I have a great little nook in the woods on the edge of my property (actually partially the studio lot which is adjacent to my house lot). So even though I should have been doing shoots and outfits and all that, I found myself clearing land. And that land was covered with poison ivy.
And even though I wore long sleeves and pants and gloves and all that, somehow, I’m now, you guessed it – covered in poison ivy as well. Which scuttles my plans for new shoots at least for another couple of days until the rash subsides.
So I’m not in a great place right now. Sure, I was able to find some lingerie that covered up the rash and managed to make myself feel pretty last night for some late night chaturbate camshow action, but I tell ya, it’s tough to get into the feeling pretty mood when your skin is all scaly. Maybe, I can do a latex catsuit shoot or something. That might be a happy medium.
And i have this terrible habit that when I get my mind on one project- even if it’s the project that I shouldn’t be doing- shifting focus onto something else is like trying to turn or stop a steam locomotive. Yep. Not gonna happen.
I don’t know why I feel compelled to clear land and build stone walls and do a bunch of stuff that really has no bearing on the work that the insurance company wants me to do.. I guess I’m just procrastinating, or dreading doing the actual work. Or worried that when I peel off the 70 year old cedar shingles on the side of the house, that I’ll uncover a horrifying amount of carpenter ants or something I would have been happier being ignorant about.
So I’m energized, but maybe for all the wrong things. And my skin is currently a mess, so i can’t even do a proper shoot in that “Nympho Nymph” outfit that you see me in the woods in (that’s actually also the reason for clearing some of my woods, so that I can do some awesome shoots out there). I’m stressed out because of my house and squeezed between a rock and a hard place with buying or having to give up my studio space. And maybe on top of this, for all I know, I might actually have a re-occurence of Lyme disease or something (you know, there’s always a zillion deer ticks outside).
What I really could use is some sort of boost in my career, be it from more attention from fans, or increased memberships, or just a feeling that it’s all going somewhere and getting better and better and not worse and worse. Trust me, it’s very tough not to feel old in this business and this is coming from someone who was probably too old for porn on the day i started my own site 15-odd years ago. Still trying to figure out what the next phase to all this is. I mean, people should be hiring me to emcee their trans friendly fetish events or something, goddamn it. Trouble is, I gotta pound the pavement to make things happen, and there’s only one person here on Team Tara, and my plate is already unbelievably full.
Anyway I don’t know what I’m going to do. I sorta feel like my dreams are slipping away from me, and here and there I feel like I have the energy to make that final Hail Mary pass and see if it goes anywhere. Something needs to happen, and that something might have to come from outside somehow. I don’ t know what I’m going to do because my natural inclination is to just shut down. And seeing as how tired I am, that sort of ends up what’s happening.