Hello everyone. I would say to ignore the last entry I wrote, but I guess for now I should keep it so that you can see the difference Not Being Sick makes.
It’s Thursday and I’m feeling better. The last 2 or 3 weeks were a terrible detour from where I want to be. Allow me to backtrack a little bit.
The week of July 4th I put up that new shoot “Pretty as a Picture”. I probably should have just kept on going with the next shoots after that but I was unsure which outfit to work on. I do have air conditioning in my sewing room and in my studio (though it’s a little feeble in my studio, but not impossible), so I really had no excuse to not work on anything. Except I had grander plans.
First off, I wanted to take a little time to prepare for a car show, which was the weekend of the 10th. This was purely my reward for all the work I had done on my site (which wasn’t just “Pretty as a Picture”, there was other coding work and html pages I had spend some effort working on, though not all of it has been uploaded.)
Well, the next thing on the horizon was that I was throwing a party at my studio on the 23rd. When I open my studio up to people in the fetish scene, it actually spurs me to work on projects, because I’m showing outsiders all the things that are going on here. I’m so immersed in my own little world that I often don’t realize how much of a Wonderland it is. So that was on the horizon. And I had unfinished renovations in my kitchen- this party would be a good deadline to shoot for. At this point I knew that it might siphon some time away from whatever new shoot I might work on, but I was very much prepared to drop all construction work and jump straight into shoots right after the party. But I also thought maybe I could sneak in something the week before as well.
Well, then I got a big DVD order from the Transformation Magazine guys. You know, I thought DVD’s were dead, but every time I think that’s the case, they go and order 20 or 30. I make $10 off each one, so it’s a nice boost and totally worth doing it.
Trouble is, I never professionally had DVDs made up, because I didn’t want to end up with boxes and boxes of unsold DVDs, and the further the 2010′s went along, the less likely I would even bother doing that was. In fact I have two almost finished DVD’s in production that I never finished because I was convinced there wasn’t enough demand for them.
But apparently, my fans would ironically buy my movies on VHS if that’s all it was available on. So I had to whip up 20 DVDs that week. Of course, it’s gotten to the point where you can’t buy regular thickness DVD cases in any brick and mortar store (unless you drive into Boston, a 3 to 6 hour round trip depending on traffic). This time I finally bulk ordered like 200 of them off of Amazon, but to fulfill this order, I literally had to raid my own dvd collection for clean cases!
So any chance I was going to have of squeezing a shoot in sort of evaporated, though I thought maybe I would a few days before the party (around July 20th). And then well, Trump happened.
Look, I’m not going to tell anyone how to vote, and I will say right here that I don’t like Hillary Clinton, but I fucking hate Donald Trump. It’s not even so much anything about his policies, I’m just sick to death of hearing from him. Like really, I swear even his supporters must be suffering from Trump fatigue right now.
So the week before the party, somehow he worked his way into my brain. I stumbled across an article or two that made me even hate him more, and I’m going to tell you, hey way I then felt for most of that week was exactly the way that characters in Harry Potter feel when they encounter a Dementor, like all the goodness had been sucked out of me.
And more importantly, I completely lost the ability to be horny or have an orgasm. I swear to God, yes, Trump killed my boner.
I think what troubles me the most about this election is not so much the candidates, but that somehow we live in a world where parallel universes are a real thing. Like most of Trump’s supporters really do believe that the Clintons’ had all those people murdered and Obama is really from Kenya, etc. And the reality is that all of it has to be true, or all of it has to be false. It bothers me that we live in an age of information where every theory or opinion is literally on the same level. Whatever you believe, you’ve had to go and believe that, whatever side you are on. I don’t even know if the truth is somewhere in the middle, heck, maybe Trump is 100% right about all that and Ted Cruz’s dad masterminded JFKs assassination too.
So I’m mostly bothered by the fact what whatever the outcome of this election (and you’re free to vote however you want, and please, NO POLITICAL DISCUSSION in the comments, they will all be deleted), whomever wins, there are going to be a LOT of unhappy people. Like probably violently unhappy. I miss the days when political opponents were just various shades of opinion, but still essentially on the same side. Now people’s determination to be whatever the opposite of what they don’t like, has descended into the absolute ridiculous. It’s almost like an Onion article years ago about someone running for political office, that was considering a “pro-rape” position because his opponent was “anti-rape”.
So who knows, maybe Trump will win and everything will be fine, but for me that just invalidates the entire Obama years, which I don’t think were as horrible as people think. I’m disturbed at how terrible to polarization has become, but to get back to the story, I’m just so sick of hearing from Trump, and yes, he literally killed my sex drive.
But I had my party anyway, and it was a great diversion. I almost cancelled it because of the heat wave, but that literally broke hours before the guests arrived. It was that touch and go, and I had to run the AC all day just to keep it under 80 until the temps went back down in the evening. I’m glad I had the party, because had I cancelled it, it would have just been one more thing on the unfinished pile of projects. One more thing where I flew too close to the sun only to get my wings singed.
So I took a day off after the party, you know, clean up and all that, and this past Monday I was all ready to jump back into work and then..
Well, I got walloped with a mystery illness. It wasn’t just that the depression was back (and even at the party the libido was non existent) I had some sort of fever, and fevers do weird things to me. Have you ever had a fever dream? The best way I can describe a fever dream is a dream of trying to perfectly stack books but each time I put one on the pile, the one on the bottom fell off. And this is the only dream you have all night. I had hot flashes and woke up in sweat a lot. Really? Of all times, I really don’t need this now.
Compounding things, I STILL have not received my tax adjustment for 2014 that is a large chunk of money, enough to make me current. No, instead of my head being above water, I’m perpetually a month late on my bills (well, mostly rent and mortgage because those were the first to go in favor of paying ones that would increase due to late fees). It’s not like you’re just keeping your head above water, instead you’re wearing concrete overshoes in a 7 foot deep pool and you’re literally inches away from being able to breathe, but instead, you’re holding your breath, for months. To be more accurate, for about a year and 3 months.
So my own personal anger at H&R block for failing to include my “business use of home” forms in my income taxes for 2014, has grown to the I’m ready to go shoot up Block with a AK-47 place in my brain, and it’s taking a lot of self control not to go to that dark dark place. I think what pisses me off about it is that when they did catch the error and submitted the forms to the IRS to fix my 2014 taxes, they never took responsibility or even cited a reason for why I was now asking for more money back. At the time it happened, I was just happy it was going to be fixed, but now I see that I really let them off the hook far too easily.
Update on that: I have an phone appointment with Block on Saturday where I’m going to explain my situation and request that they inform the IRS of the reason for the adjustment in my income taxes. Even if it doesn’t speed anything up (it’s been like 16 weeks so far when they said it was supposed to be 12) I need that damn money now. Oh, and I’m never going to Block ever again
So that’s what’s going on, and somewhere in the middle of my weird head fever I posted the previous post. Like I said, I’ll probably delete it, it does sound a bit insane and very depressed.
It’s Thursday now and I did drag myself over to the hospital and checked myself in. Of course, by the time you’ve gone and done that, that’s when you’re out of the woods anyway, and a few hours in, I was pretty certain my brain had come back online. Of course it took hours to discharge me, and none of the tests they ran really said much, though they treated me for Lyme Disease anyway. I’ve found more than one teeny tiny deer tick on me, and I think I know like 4 people this season who have gotten the dreaded Lyme.. It’s probably not that, but whatever, the antibiotics will probably help fight off whatever it is that’s eating me away..
The rest of tonight I’m taking it easy, but it’s really nice to be able to think straight again. Please, just for the sake of my own heath, I don’t want to hear anything either way about the candidates. When I’m feeling better I’ll get involved however I feel I want to. I sorta live in a blue state anyway, I don’t think my vote really matters that much (and I don’t find the third party candidates that appealing either).
Tomorrow I get back to work, I swear I will!