Coming Soon! “Pretty as a Picture”

So here’s how my new version of that green gingham outfit came out.  I’m still ramping up my confidence to make something that’s all new, so to warm up I decided to pull out an old chestnut of an outfit.

I kept the outfit and the hairstyle simple, and focused more on trying to get the natural and reflected light to be right.

Called “Pretty as a Picture” (which now that I think of it, is a very dated phrase from a time when photography was relatively rare), I’m currently editing the set, which takes about 4x longer than actually taking the pictures themselves…

So it’ll take me a few more days to get these up onto the site.  Hopefully it’s worth the wait, and I’m also enjoying working on my images and making them look as good as possible.  I look across the beautiful body of my work, I want to bring all my images up to their best, even stuff I shot 10 years ago.

Of course, my body is so much more shapely and my lips far more pouty and my makeup even better, I don’t know if I will be able to see past these deficiencies of my previous work.  Take this one for example.  Why wasn’t I trying harder to make my lips and eyelashes bigger?

Well, that was 12 years ago, this is now:

I gotta say, I’m REALLY happy with my new tits and with the subtle changes the brow surgery did for my face.

-Tara

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Everything’s better with bigger boobs!

So I’m pulling myself out of this creative troth, really I am.

Looking back at the past few years, I’ve realized that I have a lot of very creative outfits that I shot in before my second implants, which would now very much benefit from a new interpertaion.


I never did this outfit justice.  “Daisy Dick” came out fine for the time, and was one of the first “big sets” I built at my then-new studio.    I reacall it took several more shoots to get rid of those hay bales though.
And there was an earlier attempt at making the green gingham work, in 2004.

Actually this outdoor part of this shoot might have not even made it onto my site.  As you can see I was attemtping for the doll look here but I think the outfit was just too much, and the wig I made sucked.

And in 2013 when I brought it out again for “Patio Plaything”, I stripped it down to the less is more school of thought, but I think a crappy wig and bad lighting brought down this version.  Plus I look pretty pale, almost sickly in those days.

I don’t know what the hell I’m trying to say in that porn face.  I hadn’t really practiced my proper bimbo doll look and vacant eyes.   Plus I think I totally fucked up my fake eyelashes.  The droop down on the ends and make my face look more tired that it was.  Not all of them were duds though..


Or maybe they were?  I think I know what it is.  That hairstyle does not frame my face well.  Plus no overdrawn bimbo lips.   So I think this outfit would use a new version.

And looking back too I think a lot of my costumes could benefit from the “Sugar Rush”  (Dec 2014) treatment.  Remember that shoot?  That was one of the first where I went all out with the candyland theme, and really pushed it into hentai land..  There’s a LOT going on in this shoot, but the poses are so sexy it’s not a distraction.

The wonderful thing about this set (If I can be nostalgic here) is that I had very little clean up to do in Photoshop.  Perfect application of my makeup tricks and good lighting made this shoot shine, and now I want all shoots to have this glow to them..

Imagine if I injected a bit of neon manga to “Maid to Be Fucked”?
I don’t know if I’d change the outfit too much, but I can see this ramped up a bit more with striped stockings, pink hair, more bows, bigger tits.  Maybe more in a “changing the sheets in the bedroom” setting.


I was also wondering if 2006′s “Majorette” is due for a refit.  I spent a long time making this outfit, shot photos in it, and then wore it out to one event and that was it.  I don’t remember ever shooting any video- actually, now that I think of it I was saving the outfit for a schoolgirl porn video, where I’d also be a cheerleader.  We never saw it again.

I might have to remake the front of it to fit my new tits, or maybe I tweak this thing so much that the tits will be hanging out.  Hmm.

So yeah, it’ll take me a few days to get the first thing rolling.  I’ll keep you all posted.

-Tara

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Oh hey, sorta new stuff, and some other changes under the hood.

Oh hey, it's something you haven't seen yet, I should put that up on the website, stoopid Tara

So that last post I wrote about my tax burden and my artist’s block.

Maybe you should ignore it.  Maybe I have some stuff already in the can from last year that I should just tidy up and release.  Maybe I should get off my bony ass and make outfits/ideas.  Maybe a combination of all the above.

Maybe it was actually good for me to write it out, because I was able to get it off my chest and out of the way.  After I posted it, I worked a bit on my site, and a bit on some costumes as well, and that’s good, because it gave me a specific direction.

And I also looked back and there was a third shoot with an outside photographer, dating from the same time as “The White Room” and “Music Room“.  And this shoot, which I called “In Vino Veritas” was the third one we did that night, and I admit, I was kind of tired when we did this one.  The strobes were flashing only every other shot or so, so it didn’t yield a huge amount of shots (85 useable ones).  So I forgot about it for a while.

But it makes sense to post the shoot now because even though it’s not very representative of where I want to take my career, it’s better to get it out of the way now instead of use it later when it really sticks out.  It’s good stuff though.

I also have been making some other subtle changes, like spinning off the 2014 and 2015 galleries from the “recent gallery” page (which had amassed 2 1/2 years of shoots).  This made it necessary to make new graphics etc. etc.  But you’ll see the Victorian/steampunk and bubblegum lolita looks I’m settling into.

It’s good for me to keep tweaking the interface of the site.  I know my website building skills aren’t really that amazing, but I do enjoy making those grpahics and buttons and all that.   My site has been slowly refined, though I’m curious as to what it might look if other people were in charge of my site.

So I did also think a bit about some old outfits I want to ressurect in the newer style.  Remember “Masked Medic” from ten years ago?  I wouldn’t think you would. It was a nice color scheme and outfit, but maybe not that flattering on me.
Wow. It’s hard to believe these are 10 years ago and I’m still using the same camera.  And that these final pix are only 950 pixels high!  Oh jeez, that’s tiny.   There’s no reason they can’t be 2000 pixels high.  Well, I guess I might be re-editing this set as well as re-imaging it.  And in this redux, I’m thinking the whole middle section of the outfit will be more like a corset, and the only bits brought over from the old would be the accessories.

So, back to work, but at least this new old set till tie you over.  More changes are coming!

-Tara

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Unhappy.

I see we all haven’t heard from me in a while.  I’ve been distracted, and also have not been feeling sexy.   Part of that is because I’ve been sorta happily gender neutral, but part of it is that it’s taking a long time emotionally to recover from the surgery.

I’m in a rut, and one thing that is making me unhappy is having a ton of unfinished projects and having so little of a financial cushion (more on that later) means every day I’m running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off trying to figure out which project is going to give me the most bang for my buck.

I actually have most of the work done on two DVD, which were to be called “Transsexual Pinups” 4 and 5, but might end up with different names.  I sorta left them half finished as DVD projects when I thought the medium was dead.

Well, lo and behold, I’ve sold more DVDs through the Centurians/Transformation magazine people in the last 3 months than I sold in the last couple years, so oh hey, looks like the medium isn’t dead!  So it makes sense to finish up these two DVDs, just that composing music for them is holding it up.  I throw together music on crappy copyright-free GarageBand on the Mac and I’ve sorta run out of loops that I like, so I’m not sure what I’m going to do there.  I’ve had other people compose music, but it rarely fits what I want to do.

But about what’s going on financially in my life.?  I don’t know if I took down the post or not, but a while back I posted something about a HUGE tax bill that I was having such a difficult time paying.  Even though the monthly payment was like $200 it was about $200 more per month than I was in a position to pay, and even if I did, the whole amount of the tax bill seemed to go down a small fraction.  And sometimes even if I paid it, I swear to God it seemed to be growing. It was horrible.

 

And I know, you’re all probably going to be like “well, you should have known what you were going to owe, etc. etc. etc.   Well, yes and no.

To back track at bit, when I had my accountant do my taxes in 2015 for ’14, I ended up owing a lot more than I had expected, which is what created this $3000 tax bill looming over my head for a year.  I made some progress on it, but seeing as I was barely making it anyway, I felt like that the best I could maintain was being perpetually two steps back.

So, when it came to doing taxes this year, for 2015, I went into my accountant (which let’s be honest, it’s just the bozos at H&R Block) , expecting the same and having an attitude of well, pile on some more, who cares at this point.  Come mid April I just paid for the surgery and even though I had the two fundraisers, minus fees and other expenses, I had to put the remainder of the surgery costs on my credit cards.  I don’t have a huge credit card debt, but I’m sorta at all those limits too.

Imagine my surprise to learn that I would actually be getting money back from the government for the year 2015.  Why? well, because we’d be filing with the “business use of home” forms.  Basically I webcam  and shoot photo shoots from various rooms in my house so of course I take all the deductions I can. And some rooms are fully dedicated to my business, which is the way I do it every year.

Except for 2014, it wasn’t.  You see, I tell Block every year when they figure out my forms, to look at “whatever we did last year, we’ll just do that again”.  And they call up the software from last year with all the numbers plugged into it, and used that as a guide.  And it turns out that last year they actually had plugged in all the data for “business use of home” but somehow they never filed those forms, or never hit the “enter” button or some terrible human error.

Yeah, in other words, they dem fucked up, and fucked me over.

Now I didn’t have enough anger in me since I was so happy that I was getting something back!  They did a request for an amendment or adjustment for my 2014 return and I mailed a big thick form off and went off to Mexico and didn’t worry about it.   Holy shit! For once things are going my way!  And I’m off to Mexico to get my hairline fixed.  Yahoo!

And on top of that I’d be getting a refund for 2015!  And the refund for 2014 might include all that fucking interest and maybe even some of the penalties for all those months of pain when I had such a difficult time.  In other words, I was paying an undue tax burden for like w hole fucking year that I barely could keep from spiralling out of control, and it never should have been there in the first place if Block had done their fucking job right.

I came back from Mexico to see how it would all play out.  Well, since it would take longer to approve the adjustment, they put my 2015 refund towards what was still owed for 2014, even though I should be getting a larger amount back.   Applying that to it didn’t leave much left to be paid, which of course I’m not going to pay since at no fucking way you guys owe ME money.

All this means that for the past 2 or 3 months I have been really needing this damn refund, and still like two steps back from where I want to be.  Since there is no guarantee they’ll do it,  I’m still oing nuts thinking – should I work some more on my movie?  No, that won’t immediately make me money, gotta think of things that will immediately make me money.   Time is money and a couple of days spent on the wrong project can spell doom if you don’t have a little bit of a cushion to fall back on.  Which if everything went to plan and Block did their job right, I would be in a better place.

Like I’d love to be working on my memoirs now, but I can’t escape feeling like it’s a waste of time because it’s not going to generate a check that should be in my box in next Monday so I can barely pay those bills right when they’re due.  And as much you’d think that camming constantly would be the answer, its tiring on my body and often times when I’m doing it and if it’s not a busy night, I can’t escape the feeling that holy shit I’m wasting my time doing it when I should be editing my newest DVD.

So this goes round and round and round and in the end I’m so full of stress that I’m only making incremental progress on anything.  For example the last 3 days I worked a bit on some new intro pages for my site, since a lot of what you see before you enter my site dates back to 2013.  It’s not even Tara Emory 2.5, which is what I’m calling me from August 2014 to last April.  (Tara 1.0 is me before the first boobs in 2002. 2.0 was Tara with first boobs, 2002-2014.  And the new me is Tara “3.0″. But that’s a topic for another post).  So with the idea of the new me being Tara Emory 3.0 I have some big plans to update the whole look of the site, but for the time being I wanted to refresh some of what non members see at the portal of the site.

I sketched out a bunch of hentai inspired design for the new site portal, but it’s all dependent on shoots for outfits I haven’t built yet.  So for now the fall back position is to use some of the best stuff since my 2nd boob job in 2014

And as much as I want my next shoot to be fantastic, there’s no harm in marketing what I’ve already done in the past few years, especially if my intro pages to my site haven’t been updated since 2013.   So I got a little bit up today, but it isn’t as ambitious as what I want the look to be for “Tara Emory 3.0″. It’s this:

So there’s lots of sketches for the site redesign, but lots of photoshop files with ideas I tried that aren’t working.   Even though I’m working on a computer, my mind feels like the writer with writer’s block who had thrown more ideas away and into crumpled balls of paper on the floor.  Because still, in the back of my mind, is that fear of am I wasting my time?  Should I just keep things as they are?  Oh shit, I need to tell people thinking of joining the site that there’s a possibility of live camshows. I can’t believe that potential customers don’t even know that’s a feature. Etc. etc..

And then I give up in frustration and go outdoors and pick up sticks.  Because it doesn’t hurt my brain to pick up sticks or rip out weeds or whatever.  And of course, I feel tremendous guilt because I know picking up sticks isn’t going to pay the bills either.

If only this damn check from the IRS would come.  I called them.  Waited on hold for 2 hours.  They said it will take 12 weeks to approve it, if they approve it.  As we approach the 8th week, I call, to see if at least they got the application and if it’s any sooner.  They still say it’s an “if it’s approved” thing, and now, somehow it’s grown to 14 weeks, but they do quote me a dollar amount which I guess is good.     But they say that there was no “reason” filed as to why I wanted an adjustment. I guess Block left that part out, bastards.  And then I think maybe I should’ve come down on them like a ton of bricks.  I know they have piece of mind guarantees but usually it’s some sort of thing that’s an extra charge and I opt out. I’m not sure what liability they have but maybe I should go down there and go postal on them.

Anyway, a few days ago, my state refund comes back from the same “business use of home” deduction, and a letter saying the state approved it.   And I hope that’s a good sign.

So my forehead still feels weird from the surgery.  Like when I touch the skin it doesn’t feel like I can feel myself touching me. It’s kind of hard to feel sexy with that.

And its hard to feel sexy when I’m perpetually one step behind everything.  Hopefully that will change soon and the refund will come and I’ll be two steps ahead of everything.  I’m trying to put as much of a positive spin on this as possible.  If I hadn’t gotten a little done today on my site, I’d be feeling a lot worse, a lot more like a complete failure.  I get in these ruts and I can’t even give myself credit when I do get things done.  I did do some artwork, and I guess that’s a good thing, right?

I’m trying to get my patreon thing going for my artwork, but oh yeah, that’s another project that might make money but it’s so hard to risk it when I don’t know that for sure.

Ugh.  Get here NOW, check from the IRS, dammit.   Because I really need you, even if it’s just to lift me out of this rut.    Because the longer I stay in this rut, the worse it’s going to get.  But maybe just maybe it means that when I get my mojo back it will be fantastic again.

 

-Tara

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Yay! Shooting again!

Well, it took me a while to start shooting again, but I’m back in business.  Even though I had been stressing about doing a new performance for Tranny Strip All Star party in Providence last night-  what ended up happening was just me dusting off my “History of Fan Dance” burlesque number.  I don’t think anyone got any pictures of the performance so I guess it’s like that proverb, “if a tree falls in the forest in no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?”  But here’s the posters I made for promotion.


Anyway, I think I  need to do more things like these posters.  They’re good for promotion and sometimes I need to look back at my best work and know I can keep pushing everything that I’ve done.  I’m not in the business of my stuff ever looking outdated…

But I had been talking for about a week about how I wanted to shoot in front of my giant rhododendron in my side yard.  Years back, I have, and “pinwheel pasties” is in front of it though I had missed the blooming season when I did that shoot.  A few years later I did a swimsuit shoot in front of them while they were out.   It’s always tough to plan outdoor shoot because 9 times out of 10 when you plan to do it, it clouds over.  And when you look at the forecast and see that it’s going to be a terrible rainy day, that’s the day the sun comes out and you were like “Damn, I could have shot today!”

So I wanted to do a companion shoot to “Pinwheel Pasties”,  but with the emphasis  more on my sort of hentai/bimbo aesthetic.  I think I hit it well.  I made this microkini out of spandex and the Jem style green glitter earrings..

So yeah,  it’s me again on my 60s lawn chair (which is nowhere near comfortable to pose on, let me tell you) and my flamingos.
Isn’t it nice how that pouch is holding me in there, not?
And these green glitter shoes were something off my wish list.  Thank you, whomever it is that got them for me.  The earrings I made myself (just x-acto knifed some stars out of plastic, painted and coated with glitter).

So A number 1 priority this week will be rushing this to the site. I actually tried to camshow the entire shoot this afternoon  but damn, that’s jugging way too many things at once, so it was at best, an opportunity for my members and some streamate fans to peek in on me doing one of my self-shoots.

This shoot goes up in a few days!  I’m not sure what I’ll call it yet but I’ll think of something snappy.

 

-Tara

Posted in Behind the Scenes, Bimbofication, burlesque performances, New shoot!, stripping, Webcamming | 3 Comments

Camming this week…

Starting tonight, I’ll be off and on cam, doing it free for my website members.  Non website members can pay per minute on streamate to join in.

Let’s say 9pm EST tonight (May 31st).   Depending on feedback I’ll see how it goes and I might be on a lot this week figuring out the best times to cam.

 

-Tara

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Stuff is happening fast..

Well, I sorta knew something would shake me out of my complacency.  I have a few items of news.

First off, though this might not seem that exciting, I finally pestered streamate for a little piece of code I needed to add to my members page so that I can start to do camshows  for my website members.    I haven’t implemented this yet, but I do hope it works as it sounds like I think it does.  Meaning that members of my website will get exclusive access to live camshows!  And I think this also means that people on streamate can pay by the minute as well to join the same feed.

So I have to redesign some of the pages on my site so that members will know that I’m going to be on cam, and of course, the code that embeds the feed

Hopefully this will be a major incentive for people to retain memberships to my site!  I also am thinking a lot of tailor making these webcam shows so that they are skewed more towards what people expect from my brand of porn.  Or maybe I’ll just keep the cam on me doing my day to day crap.   Who knows!

So yeah, expect some changes to the interface of my site so that anyone browsing by will be aware that I’m on cam-

So yeah, that was item #1.  Item #2.

June 5th, at Club Ego in Providence, some of that old magic that brought you the TS night at the former Satin Doll teams up with the Tranny Strip to bring you a Tranny Strip Event!    And I’ll be there!

Also headlining, Tiffany Starr, Morgan Bailey,  Kylie Maria!   And others yet to be announced.  I just found out about this hours ago and things area falling into place pretty quickly.  Whatever problems I had with the Satin Doll TS nights are sorta water under the bridge, and were always more to do with them taking a good idea and spreading it thin.    Teaming up with the Tranny Strip (they’re out of NYC) and making it a big smash event is really the way it needs to be done from the get go.

More promotion for this as things fall into place.

So, there two developments sorta have lit a fire under my ass and I’m finally itching to do some new shoots.   I confess I sorta fell into a slump after coming back from my surgery, when it became apparent that I was going to miss Fetish Factory in Florida, and I also think I’m going to skip the Pennsic War this year.  Once you skip out of a few events, it gets really hard to get excited about other events and before you know it, you’re waffling on sending registrations to conventions and thinking that maybe you’re all done with this.

Well, maybe I just need a poke in the ass to get fired up to do stuff.. I know I got killer ideas for shoots planned that I just gotta get going, and well, the way I look at it, it’s like this.  I sorta took a 1 month break from working and social media, so anything I tweet or instagram or tumblr is 1000% more than I did before.

yay. anyway, stay tuned.   I should probably stick tons of hashtags in this thing but I’m just awful at doing that.

-Tara

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Low energy..

I’ve sorta been under the weather this week, so instead of working on something new, I’ve been making some updates based on whatever I haven’t uploaded up to my site yet.


So I put up this shoot (which appeared on www.pure-ts.com) which I called “Domestic Doll”.   It’s pretty much wrapping up the work I did with Christian XXX earlier this year.   I think I have about one or two more shoots after this one still yet to release, but I do admit, I am looking forward to some of the big shoots I was waiting for after my surgery to do.

I also have a ton of videos to edit and upload, but I admit that my feeling under the weather hasn’t really made me want to work on them.   I wish I had more to report, but when you’re feeling like blah, well…. you feel like blah.

Other than sorta catching that cold that seems to be going around, things are looking up.  The incision on my forehead from my surgery finally healed enough so that I went to a salon and got my hair colored and styled in a short, pixie cut.  And although I don’t know if I’ll be wearing this hairstyle for any shoots (perhaps a faerie shoot?) I can conclusively say that the surgery did what it was intended to do, which was to remove some of those annoying male qualities.  I think the final verdict on the surgery was that it’s allowed me to express myself with some gender neutrality while at the same time, making the default position more towards the feminine.

I like it.  And if it means that people read me as a tomboyish short haired girl with big boobs, so be it.  If it reads as a hot MILF, that’s ok too.  I’ve been slowly becoming aware that a lot of my new fans are roughly half my age, and might perceive me in such a way, even if I still feel the same as I did when I was 21.

I’m really digging the spiky bits in the back that she did, although I’ll never replicate this exactly the way it is here, not without some practice.


As soon as I feel a little better this weekend I’m going to be planning my week ahead and jumping head first into the next big outfits and concepts for shoots.  I’m not sure what those are yet, but there’s a few I had been holding off on until after the surgery.  Part of what I’ll be working on will be to update some of the free and preview parts of my website, since bits of that date back to 2013 and could use a refresh.

-Tara

Posted in Behind the Scenes, My life, New shoot!, Tara's FFS indiegogo, Uncategorized | 4 Comments

What’s next?

Here’s some samples of the next shoot to go up on my site, which I think I’m going to call “Purdy in Pink” or something.
This was one of the ones I did before I left for surgery.  There’s a few more shoots I can dig into for updates, but I think the April 30th update will be video instead, (since most of you are craving video.)

Perhaps my first shoot in May will be something completely new. I’m itching to make some new outfits as I’m sitting on a mountain of designs. We’ll see what happens.  I’m still recovering but hoping to resume camshows this coming week

 

-Tara

Posted in Behind the Scenes, Bimbofication, New shoot!, Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Tara’s FFS Chronicle, part 2.

So the previous post I wrote was sorta a half-awake, partly drugged mess of a post, and though I started writing it on Saturday, I only was able to cover the day of the surgery (Tuesday).

Then I got caught up in enjoying Mexico and just did little updates to my Facebook, as for some reason my wordpress app on my iPhone crashes.

I’m back home now and healing nicely, but allow me to fill in the gaps with Part 2…

Where was I?  Oh that’s right.  The first night after surgery.  I had to sleep mostly upright and hold a blood draining thing in my lap that sorta looks like a plastic accordion.   Not pretty.  And very hard to get sleep.  The next two nights of sleep consist of a lot of micro naps more than anything, so those first 3 days seem like a month.

Yeah I know, yuck.

Wednesday morning we head back to the hospital to remove the drain and the mummy like bandages.  It feels REALLY weird to have the drain removed because it’s essentially two tubes that run the length of the incision.  The incision basically goes from from one ear up to the top of the head and to the other ear.  When they remove it, they are actually pulling tubes out of one side, and they are under the skin but over the skull.  It’s a dull pain but it’s something that I just have to endure.  There’s tons of dried blood in my hair and my face is starting to swell.  They take the bandages off and it’s not pretty.  My face is swollen up like a balloon and my hair is sticking straight up where there was a gap in the bandages.  I look like the creepy motion-capture CGI Tintin from the Tintin movie.   What’s been done to me?  I’ve been turned into a teenage boy adventurer from France!?

Separated at birth? Oui? Or Non?

Yeah, yeah, I know.  There aren’t even remotely flattering pictures, but the purpose of these blog posts is to show you what to expect when you get surgery.  As I write this a week later, my outlook has changed because of the surgery and that’s something that I’ll wrote about more in depth later.

So finally I get to put my hair back down and though I look like a balloon, the change is dramatic.
And though my hairline isn’t perfect, I’ve gone from no options to considerably more options for my hair.  This is already starting to have a wonderful effect on my psyche.  When you’re surrounded by oversensitive people in your life who give you the whole “I love you however you are”, it’s hard to describe what it was like for me, at the age of about 19 or 20, when a doctor tells you that the day your pimples go away, you’re going to lose all your hair by the age of 30…  That’s a soul crushing thing to learn as a young adult, when deep down you yearn to be this thing (a girl), but you know it’s impossible.  It’s hard for people to understand that in the pre-internet days, there was no trans visibility and the public face of anything remotely trans-ish was Boy George, Frank N Furter, and Tootsie.

There were no such terms as “gender neutral” or anything like that.

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself.  And as I’m seeing the new me emerge, I am beginning to realize what it’s doing for me.  I’ve basically moved my “default position” further towards the feminine.  When I roll out of bed looking like shit, I don’t look like an older guy losing my hair and feeling pathetic until I get all dolled up and then feeling like I’m overdoing it.  No, now I roll out of bed and I’m feeling like my old, young, gender neutral tomboy/girlish pixie creature that I was in my 20′s.   A lot of pain and frustration and self loathing has been erased.  In other words, I’ve gotten the effect that I had hoped.

The next night is brutal.  Moreso because of the meds keeping me from getting a solid sleep of more than an hour here, and hour there, punctuated by about an hour in between of not sleeping, trying to calm my mind into a sleep.   I do everything to try to sleep, but I’m simply not sleeping.  It’s not even like I have been drinking coffee all day, I don’t even finally crash.  I simply don’t sleep at all, and wonder when the hell I’m going to sleep.  But the pain isn’t that bad overall.   I have a few days where I don’t have to go anywhere.  So I watch a bit of BoJack Horseman and some other movies and cuddle with the two British Bulldogs here, Molly and Lucy.

Woof

A face only a mother could love...

Having the dogs here are a stroke of genius.  Not only are they like recovery/care animals, they’re so un-pretty and their faces so flabby, you don’t feel so bad about how your face looks at this time.

The next day is probably about the worst for how I look, as now the bruising and swelling is being effected by gravity.  I have worse pictures than this but even I don’t want to post them.  For a day or so I see what I would look like if I sat in bed eating Cheetos for a year.

yeah, I only brought like 5 outfits, so it's gonna look like I'm wearing the same thing every day. What-ev.

But that’s the worst the swelling gets, and by the end of the week, the swelling has subsided.  Now I’m looking at my hair and dreaming of all the potential haircuts I can get, and noticing how much I’ve neglected it over the years.   At this time its at that too short to be long and too long to be short stage which is just a mess.

Interestingly we go out and I’m not sure how I’m being read.  I think I’m not being seen as trans, but just as a woman with sort of a crazy cat lady haircut.

By about saturday evening we get out a bit and walk to the mall.  the exchange rate is really good, and pretty much once you do the math, everything there costs about half as much as it does in the states.  A six pack of Heineken bottled beer is about $5 even at a convenience store for example.   We go shopping and my friend buys a ukelele.

I’m allowed to drink a little bit and have some fun.

I only had one Corona and a shot of Tequila. Really, I did.

 

At this point I’m healing really well, and somewhere in here they take out about half of the stitches.  I didn’t think I’d be feeling quite this energetic so soon after the surgery (in fact I planned on being in bed for a month), and Guadalajara is beautiful.  We’re in a great part of town and I learned later that because of things like NAFTA, Mexico has more of a middle class than it did (3o years ago it was more like either you were rich or or poor).  I’m suitably impressed with Mexico, in fact I like spending my money down here and I think it benefits all of us in North America to have a stable, growing Mexico. I don’t particularly know a lot about the reasons why Trump wants to build a wall to keep them out of America, you might have to build that wall to keep me from leaving the country and living down here like a princess.

I know, I’m only seeing one side of it. I know there are extremely poor parts of Mexico, but there’s shitty parts of the US too.  I found Guadalajara to be about like Savannah in the 90′s, and way way better than New Orleans in terms of general run down and scariness.  I know the transop folk are fighting an uphill battle with Americans thinking that if they go to Mexico for surgery, that they’re going to wake up in a bathtub full of ice and a stolen kidney, but that’s sooooo far from the truth.  The way things are set up here, it’s basically a beautiful bed and breakfast that you visit in a beautiful part of town, and oh, hey, you’re getting some “work” done on your body at the same time.

Nope. This didn't happen.

So Sunday we took an uber to Tonala, to visit the craft market.  Tonala is known for it’s ceramics and going crazy with the sun motif in designs and oh I want to buy everything and take it all home, but I can’t.

I highly suggest taking uber’s when you’re in another country and don’t speak thelanguage. It’s perfect.  As long as you know exactly the address you’re going to, it’salready pre-loaded with your uber driver and pretty much nothing can go wrong.  Theycan’t drive around in circles and charge you more or be an asshole because they want agood rating.   I just smile and tell them I don’t speak much spanish, and holy shit, theUber takes us about 20 miles out of town, and only costs 125 pesos, which is about$7.35  Where can you go 20 miles for $7 and that barely covers the cost of gas?

The market is wonderful and I am in search of painted tiles for a table mosaic projectI’m doing back at home.  We find the tile store and sadly they mostly sell whole boxesof tiles, which is far too heavy to bring home.   They also have gorgeous painted toiletsand sinks and I just want to redo my bathroom with these.

with toilets like these, I'd welcome Monteczuma's Revenge!

So yeah, when you convert them to USD they come out to be only about $180 each, which is nothing.  You can get them in the US, but they cost like $700+.   I’ve been told that maybe you can get them in Tiajuana and bring them back in to the states, so if I’m ever on a road trip to San Diego and back, I think I know what I’m going to bring home.

Tonala is beautiful, if a little rough around the edges.  They really like the sun motif here and there’s just too much to buy I can’t fit it all in my luggage.  Here is pretty much my haul of loot, and none of it cost that much.

Oh, and the food! Speaking of Monteczuma’s Revenge, I’m like one of those people to whom Mexican food has the opposite effect on.  As bad as Taco Bell is here, that’s my go-to food if I want something that calms my stomach.  Yeah, I know, that makes no sense.  But the tacos in Tonala?  Oh,  yum.. yum.. amazing.   The way tacos are supposed to be. And this plate of tacos was only 32 pesos (that’s less than $2)

I know this doesn’t look like tacos but it is.  it’s 4 of them and they’re flat.  The shells (are they shells, or tortilla?  I don’t know the terms?) are soft and just soaked in something, cooking oil? I don’t know.  Its a bit messy but the flavor is like soaked right into it all and oh..yum yum.. I’m craving this now. It’s going to be a challenge to find good Mexican food up here in Mass now that I’m back..

A few more days of rest and relaxation and I finally get around to working on some of the projects I brought with me.  I’m inspired by a Spanish-Mexican sorta flamenco thing and whip up this piece of artwork.  I wonder which lucky contributor to my indidgogo campaign will get this piece?

The last couple days there we still head off to the care facility (I’m not sure if hospital is quite the right word) for LED light treatment on my face.   I guess it’s supposed to speed up the healing process.  I don’t have any pictures of that, but here is what the outside of the building looks like. I remark that it looks like some kind of ice cream cake made out of chocolate and vanilla with hershey’s syrup drizzled on it..

The last days there I’m getting itchy to get home and back to work, and starting to visualize my new haircut.  I’m going to do for the short pixie cut, sort what JLaw has going on here.   At the moment I’m going to wait for the scabs and scars to all heal.

I know my hairline isn’t quite there yet, but my options have gone from nothing to something a bit more hopeful.  The reason I am so upfront about my issues transitioning is that I want to show people the difficulties of transitioning when you’re older than 30.  I came out as trans in my late 20′s, but wasn’t able to do much about it till my mid-30s and the older you get, the harder it is.  But for my age, I am blessed with good health and pretty much the body and stamina and healing of a teenager.  I know plenty of people my age whose bodies are falling apart, and I’m nowhere near that, thank God!

Pretty much to wrap things up, I fly back and for the first time, I’m just myself.  I’m presenting as female (of course), but not needing a wig to do it.  I scrape up a little makeup and I manage to foof up my hair a little bit.

When I have my layover in Houston (I flew in there the day after flights resumed after epic flooding), and I just the ladies room, damn their stupid bathroom laws.  Come to think of it, maybe the flooding is God’s way of pissing on them for their bigotry.  (It’s not just HB 2 in North Carolina folks, its ALL OVER the South..)

(btw, I have a lot of opinions about HB2 that I want to express I will just wait for another post for that).

So that brings us up to about now.  I’ve been home a day and a half and the first thing I did was take a nice bath, and trim off about an inch or two to my hair, and though it’s not the cut I want yet, it’s made me very happy to see myself like this.

This is still me without makeup, with some bruising (I have some weird yellow patches on my skin) and swelling in a few small places.  I have yet to do full makeup with false eyelashes and I haven’t even tried on any wigs to see what the new eye/forehead area will look like with longer hairstyles.  I haven’t tried it yet because I still have some lumps under the incision, and I’m a little worried that maybe I have a small infection under there.   I’m going to see how it is in a few days and if it gets worse or doesn’t go down I might have it looked at.  Once everything is good I’ll be back to camming (I might even try a little camming today) and I predict I can be doing shoots again in a week or two.  Like I said, I have a HUGE backlog of work I did before I left that I gotta slog through next.

Overall, I’m very pleased with the results.  It’s changed my outlook about things but since I spent about 10 days not thinking sexy thoughts, I haven’t been super turned on by much of anything.  So I’ve been far more introspective and looking back at my life and career and my journey more than anything else.  I had also planned on working a bit on my memoir while I had this downtime, and we’ll see what progress I make on that as well.

I do have other things to report about my career (some of it is VERY BIG news), but I’ll save that for another post, maybe tomorrow.

I want to send and extra extra thank you for all the people who contributed to my cause and want them to know how much this surgery has improved my happiness.  Since I’ve been back I’ve been very happy, and not even the untimely and unexpected passing of Prince can really bring me down now.  But right now I’m living in the now, looking at the past, and very soon I will be again thinking about the future, now that the prospects of the future have improved!

 

-Tara

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