Next shoot – “Polkadot Bimbette”

Here’s a tease of my newest work.  It’s actually a completely new version of an outfit I made years ago, but also echoing a classic pink with black polkadot look that I’ve  been rocking since I started in this business.

But this time the bows are bigger, the stockings are striped, and the blonde bimbo factor has been jacked up to – not 11- but sweet 16!

It was a rather simple shoot to do, but the vibe was there and I was quite excited during the whole shoot.  I actually learned my lesson from the last shoot and just concentrated on shooting and not broadcasting the shoot, and it paid off.  I was able to devote my undivided attention to the job at hand.

So this shoot is another big one.  There were over 400 originals and I have to trim them down to the best 200 or so.  I don’t have a final count yet, but it will be in that range.

This shoot marks the debut of my newest and now most favorite dildo.  On amazon I got this HUGE but soft and thankfully non-toxic pink jelly-like dildo.  Often times a lot of sex toys are downright toxic but dildo companies are starting to wise up and smartly market ones that don’t have phthalates in them.  Phthalates are chemicals that are used to soften and increase flexibility of pvc plastics.  I have quite a few big black sex toys that have them, and began to notice that my ass hurt more than usual after using them.  A dead giveaway also is if you put them in your mouth and they have a horrible taste that doesn’t go away.  In any event, I’ll be getting more like this pink one in the future and ditching a lot of those horrible black ones.


So I’m editing the set now, and it will go up on the site in a few days.  Gotta keep the momentum going!

 

-Tara

Posted in Behind the Scenes, New shoot! | 15 Comments

It’s up, it’s called “Trophy Blonde”, and it’s the biggest shoot I’ve ever done.

Well, it’s up on my members area!  How did I arrive at “Trophy Blonde”,  you may ask.  Ok, I don’t actually hear anyone asking, but I’ll tell you anyway.

I was stuck on a name for this one.  The old version was called “Majorette”, but in that one I was twirling a baton and it looked like I was in a stadium.  I did not fill out the outfit yet, and the “stadium” was cleverly faked, but pretty fake when you think about it.  I also think the green of the grass and lavender/blue of the sky sorta ruined the color palette of the outfit.
So I couldn’t call it “Majorette 2″and this time I’m less a drum majorette and just a member of the marching band.  Though the association with football games and collegiate sports is still pretty strong.


So the new version was a bit different, when I tried to come up with synonyms for “member of a marching band”, things sorta came up blank.  Then I looked at the pictures, and started jotting down words that I associated with what I saw.  Champion,  School, College,  After the Big Game,  After Band Practice,  Trophy,  Class.  Brass.

Hey, that instument is brass, right?

For a while I was thinking “ooh, Brass & Class works”, but that totally changed the meaning of class, taking it away from a classroom setting.  Then I thought a bit about that “classroom setting”.  I was going for that 50′s school sports trophy case look and my high school had one, but as a pornographer I will admit that if you’re ever doing anything schoolgirl-ish, you always want to steer it away from a high school and more towards college setting,  you know, for obvious reasons.

Actually once opon a time I wanted to do a high school themed porn, and a running joke in it would be that my character was so dumb, she repeated her senior year 4 times.  Then everyone who hit on her would do that math in their head, oh yeah, she’s 22.  But in any event that idea never came to fruition, as many seemingly clever porn movie concepts don’t.

So I threw out all the variations of “Brass after Class” etc, and worked on anything starting with trophy. Trophy Case,  Trophy Slut,  Trophy Girl,  Trophy Tart.  Trophy Bimbo.  Trophy Blonde.

Wait,  Trophy Blonde?  How could I miss that?  Although it throws away the whole “school” and “marching band” premise, it does reference the trophies, and well, the whole entire font of “Trophy Blonde” suggests a collegeiate setting.  Perfect.  That wasn’t so hard, was it?

So I shot this last Thursday and took something like 500 shots.  When I picked the ones I liked I ended up with 290 final pictures, which I think is the single largest (in quantity of pictures) shoot I’ve ever had on my site.  I took a quick scan of all the galleries of my site, and rarely do I ever release shoots that have over 200 pix to them, let alone approaching 300.

And it’s also the biggest shoot I’ve ever released in terms of pixel resolution.  Even though I’ve been using the same camera for 10 years now (yeah I know, but its a long story and there’s a reason), I had very different ideas about what was a “big” picture back then.  Something like 600 x 900 pixels seemed big in 2006.  Today that’s tiny.

So over the years the pixel dimensions of the longest side of a photo has slowly been creeping up to 1700, 1800, 1900 and now what the hell, why not 2000 pixels?

Of course, you won’t notice this is you view my pictures sized to fit your screen.  But those of you with those retina screens might appreciate it. Of course, this points out how stupidly tiny those old shoots are, so I’m very likely going to be re-editing all those photos from the originals, in the higher resolution and also looking at them with a different critical eye.  On an old shoot like “Majorette”, would the me of today even pick the same photos?  I might pick from just the cream of the crop, and I might also pick more pictures, now with the photoshop skills to fix an old photo that in the past, I might have chucked.  So everything’s going to change in these “updated” galleries, for the better.    You can zoom in and get lost in my classic pictures all over again..  Now, will I go back into the shoots that are 1700- 1900 pixels and re-do them at 2000?  Not sure.  Let me go back to the first shoots I shot with a good camera and see how I feel after I do a bunch of them.

So anyway, it’s “Trophy Blonde”.   I’ve been working hard the whole week pretty solid.  I was going to do a camshow monday night.  I’m gonna just move that to Wednesday, August 10, and do it at 6pm.  I’ll promote it as heavily as I can in the coming days, but I need a break from being in front of the camera.  I’m fired up and I want to start making my next huge, mega shoot, as I’ve got lots of ideas coming up.

See you this coming Wednesday.

-Tara

Posted in Behind the Scenes, New shoot! | 3 Comments

Something’s coming, I don’t know what it’s going to be called, but it’s gonna be great.

Here’s the first of what’s to come on my members site.

So this is a new version of “Majorette”, an outfit I made like 10 years ago.  I certainly fill it out better than I did then.  I’ll figure out a name for it, but right now the priority is just editing the photos. I shot like over 400 pictures, so I have to narrow them down to 200.  I’m about halfway there, which isn’t that bad considering that I only shot these pictures yesterday.   So the full set will be up on the site by the end of the weekend?  Probably.

-Tara

Posted in Behind the Scenes, New shoot! | 2 Comments

Live photo shoot feed tonight!

It was going to be at 8 pm EST, but I’m finding that my body has more limitations than my ambition.  It’s 6pm now and I’m only just setting up the sets.  It’s hot, and I’m sweating a lot.   I still have some things I need to do to put the trophies on, and I still have to make a few quick alterations to the outfit.

10pm EST is a optimistic time, it could even be later.  Keep checking back tonight, but even if I’m not ready, I will have to cam set up so that people know to hang on.

I’m doing the best that I can.  I know now that I should plan these things like weeks in advance and have all the set and costume stuff ready days in advance, so all I have to do the day of the live show is get up, get ready and go.

But I’m so far behind on my photo shoots I thought maybe I should kill two birds in one stone and do a live feed just as the shoot is happening.

I do promise that the shoot will happen tonight.  I’ve already done all the heavy work (moving furniture, setting up lights) everything else is not strenuous, but I also want things to be perfect to.  The shoot will happen tonight because I have stuff I rented for the shoot that needs to be returned tomorrow.  That’s as good an impetus as anything, right.

I’m sorry if you’re in Europe and the time is too late for you, I’m on the east coast USA and I’m assuming most of my members are in the states, so it’s just most convenient for me to shoot in the evenings here, and if I run late, it’s still earlier on the west coast.  If you miss this show, don’t worry, there will be others.  And they will be better publicized and better run.

See you tonight, some time. some where.

 

-Tara

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Okay, slight change of plans.

So, the re-do of the “Majorette” outfit has taken a different turn, stylistically.   I had this idea that it would be great to have some sort of trophy case with sports trophies, like what you might see at a school near their gym.  All the thrift stores turned up empty (ok, so I went to one and called another), but I knew there was a trophy store closeby and I gave them a call.

“Where do I find old trophies?  I don’t  care what they’re for, or if they’re from a dead person”. I asked.

“Well, I got 2 boxes of bowling trophies you can have”.

“Great, when do you close?”

“5pm”.  It was 4:30 so I hurried on over there, and got my hands on these beauties.

Apparently my school dominated the bowling lanes.

Then I found one local place that would be willing to rent me a brass musical instrument on a day by day basis.  Other places were by the month or just too expensive. I really wanted a french horn or a tuba or a sousaphone but I settled on a saxophone because of it’s density of detail.  Trumpets and Trombones were a little light on detail.  In fact I saw a trombone and said “geez, i could fake that with some gold painted pipe bent in a paper clip shape.”

So I just gotta figure out a surface for a floor and something to sit on.  Because when you do these shoots, you gotta sit on something, preferably something comfortable enough to lean back on something and open your legs and shoot all that wonderful porn stuff.  If you don’t have that, you really can’t shoot decent porn.  I’m still at a loss for what I’m going to do there but I’m sure I’ll figure something out once i pour over many pictures of bands.  I might settle on something that looks like a musical instrument case or something.  I can’t be searching all over the area for that.. Gotta pick something, and run with it.  Besides, something like the saxophone  will only be featured in like 10 or 15 out of 150 shots.  It’s just to add some storytelling to the shoot.

However, all this running around today means a few things.  I’m not sure I’ll be ready to shoot something tonight for my live simulcast camshow a 7 (in a half an hour!)  But I am going to still jump on cam at about 8pm and do a show primarily for my website members.

And I only have the rental of the sax for a few days, so tomorrow night I hope to actually do the shoot itself, in my studio.  I only have about 6 hours or less of work to do to put that shoot together.   Tonight’s shoot I’m just going to keep in simple.  If there’s actually not a ton of people tuning in tonight, I’ll tell them all about tomorrow and just go back to camming on streamate as usual.

Sorry for the change of plans, but things are happening very fast around here.

-Tara

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Moving forward- Tara Emory version 3.0

If you’re a member of my site and are going to be online tomorrow, Wednesday August 3rd, come to www.tara-ts.com at around 7pm EST.

I haven’t quite implemented the best way to notify people of this.  Twitter?  Just embed the notification in my site on my splash page?   I’ll figure out the kinks eventually.  What’s going on tomorrow evening?   Well, I’m going to do a new shoot, and if you’re a member of my site, you’re going to get to watch me do it.

Haven’t you always wanted to be present at my shoots, and wonder how I do it?  Well, now you can.  And in fact, I intend on this to be a regular thing.

For a few months or so, I’ve been working this deal with www.streamate.com where I can run a camshow off their servers, and have an external feed straight to my members area of my site.   Here and there I did a camshow that some of my members saw, but it really hadn’t gained any momentum yet.

Trouble is, since late June and really most of July, I was battling Lyme disease, which really came to a head last week and I’m on antibiotics now and I’m responding well.  It’s only in the last couple days that the fog lifted and I’m so ready to get back to work.  Actually I lost 10 lbs during the sickness, so NOW is the time to shoot, while I’m tight and my waist is tiny.

So tomorrow, Wednesday, you’ll get to watch me shoot AS i shoot, and these LIVE shows will not be recorded, unless I suppose someone on the internet records them, in which case I ask for them not to be distributed, personal use is ok.

If you’re ever been thinking of joining my site, the month of August would really be the best time.  Because being sick for a month has hurt my financially and getting my memberships back up would really  go a long way.  I also would not say no to individual donations, which I accept thru paypal using the email address “tara_mistress@yahoo.com”

I need to get myself out of this hole that I’m in.  I have lots of new ideas for outfits and dusting off old outfits and some things that are going to blow anything I have done out of the water.

I recently had a party at my studio.  Actually it was the exhaustion from throwing the party that finally put me in the hospital, but during the party, I always show new people whatever projects I’m working on.  And I have so many projects, and I need to finish a bunch of them.  I will be finishing them this year.  And I look at what I’ve done and all the outfits I already have and say to myself Shit Tara, you have so much going for you, you should be shooting content EVERY DAY even if it’s just tossing something together with bits of other outfits and throwing sets together.  Instead of hemming and hawing over one tiny detail about a set, just shoot the stuff dammit.  Open your goddamn legs, stick some toys in there and make your best porn face.  Oh, and let people watch your shoots as a nice bonus.

So that’s the plan.  Which outfits are coming up, do you wonder?  Well, I toyed around with an “Alice in Wonderland” themed shoot back in ’07 with “Drink Me”, but I never pushed it as far as I could, especially with my newfound blonde bimbo-ness.

Ugh.  700 x 950?  That’s the final size I made my pictures back then?  I think I mentioned this elsewhere, but one other new feature coming to my site is that I’m pretty much going to re-process all my old sets from like 2003 – 2010 and make the final output size a LOT bigger, pretty much make them the best that they can be.  These old pictures could really benefit from the touch of my more experienced eye.

But this outfit itself might not quite be up for it.  The blue PVC is starting to fall apart, so I might have to make a new version of it for “Tea Party”.

What other outfits can benefit from a fresh perspective?  “Majorette” from 2006 was a costume I spent a LOT of effort on and barely ever wore to anywhere.  The original shoot was nice, if a bit light on the filth.

Oh gawd.  700 x 900.  I gotta fix those.  I can’t imagine anyone joining my site now and spending a heck of a lot of time on the older sets.  Back in 2006, that might have seemed big.  Also back then, I was paying per bandwidth rate, so I had my own reasons to keep the file size down.  Now, that’s not a problem as I pay a flat rate for my server.  So this set could use an upscale.  But I think this outfit could use a nip and a tuck and a bit more boobage, and for me,  blonde perhaps?

What tomorrow’s shoot will be yet, I don’t know.  I’m tossing around ideas today and working on multiple outfits, seeing what needs to be done.  Tomorrow afternoon I’ll be preparing and tomorrow night, join me to watch magic happen.  And if you miss it, don’t worry, I’ll do it again likely next week.  Eventually I will find a good way to notify everyone but for now let’s just say that Wednesday night as Live simulcast photo shoot nights.

See you Wednesday, and thank you all for your support during my illness.

-Tara

Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Yes it was a matter of fact yes it was Lyme Disease..

Lyme Disease.

I call a call today from the doctor saying the test for lyme disease came back positive.

I know it sounds awful, and it was, but this is great news, and explains a LOT.

Allow me to backtrack a little first.  Last I wrote, I had been recovering from a mystery illness.  Actually when I wrote that entry, I was feeling a little better in the head but having terrible night sweats.  I was pretty much convinced at that point that it wasn’t lyme disease and my mind of course catastrophized to what it possibly be, you know, the worst thing.  Yep, I had convinced myself that I had that.

So I went in on Monday to my regular doctor to have some more tests done because I hadn’t heard from the ER doctor at all.

Then this morning (Tuesday), the phone rings.  I usually don’t pick up but I saw it was a local call, and I thought hey maybe it’s someone about the car I have for sale.  I should point out that right now I have been so inactive in my career that my finances are in trouble, and I’m at that “sell everything you own” stage of my life.

You all don’t really understand just how depressed on the whole I have been for the month of July.  Even before my party, my brain was in a BAD BAD place.  I figured that at my party I simply introduced new people into my germ range and caught some kind of bug.

But back to the phone call.  The test for lyme disease came back positive in a big way.  So it turned out that my initial hunch was actually RIGHT?  I just recalled picking off a few tiny ticks off me a while ago, and ones that might have been on me for 24 hours.  Usually I take a shower right after I come in from yardwork, and I’ve picked a few off.  But somewhere in there, there was one that escaped the whole shower and I didn’t see him on me to the next day, and I had to pluck him off.

Thing is, when was that?  Sometime in June I think.  My memory is quite foggy but it could have been in mid to late June when I recall the bite.  I never got the bullseye rash though, or it I did, somehow it went unnoticed, which is hard to do considering how much I look at myself naked.

So this explains a LOT.  That slow decline I went through the entire month of July was really my body starting to lose the fight against lyme.  The stress and exhaustion of throwing the party is what threw me over the edge.  No, it wasn’t a bug from another person.  I really lost interest in pretty much all the things I usually enjoy doing. I couldn’t even like watch a documentary about some cool car I love, and I sure as hell could not get dressed up and play with myself on camera.

I had stopped most social media by mid July.  I was keeping myself clean, but I was looking worse and worse.  You know how when a cat is sick, his fur will get scraggly?  Well, that happened to me.  Oh, and I lost 10 pounds.  My thighs have a huge gap between them, and my corsets all lace up all the way.

I’d try to watch tv, but had no patience at all for anything with commercials.  Movies would be ok, but would lose interest quickly.

At night, I just laid awake basically waiting to die, knowing that there was no way I was going to rebound from this, my career was over as far I could tell.  And yeah, the election made me even more depressed for the future.   Sell everything and move to Canada, that was an option.

So this is amazing news, and comes on the heels of me starting to really get my mojo back.  You see, my memberships are in the toilet and my finances are in deep shit.  I actually went to the hospital to get a printout showing look, I had lyme disease! just so I could bring something to my bank and show them why my finances are in such bad shape.  You see, I haven’t made my July mortgage payment yet, let alone my August one.  When you’re a self employed model, you really can’t pay yourself sick days and you can’t work when you’re feeling and looking like a zombie.


I almost didn’t even go in last Thursday.  I had convinced myself by then that I had the 3 day cold and even when I went in, I felt OK.  When I’m sick, I usually feel worst in the morning and night, and functional in the afternoon.   Actually when I came back from the hospital, I was so optimistic that I was up on the ladder caulking cracks in the side of my house.  But the next 3 nights I had the night sweats which was weird.  I figured at that point the doxycycline they were giving me for the lyme obviously wasn’t fixing that, so must be the wrong ailment.

So I’m so happy to find this out this morning.  But last night before even finding this out (I think the doxycycline started to work it’s magic),  I spend a while planning out my next moves for my website.

I’m planning a comeback, and it’s going to be good.   Actually, I’ve been planning the comeback since my surgery, it’s actually been delayed from the sickness.  When I came back from Mexico, I quickly used up the backlog of shoots I had, while not being quite ready to shoot new stuff. I snuck “Pink and Lime” and “Pretty as a Picture” in there before things started to go downhill.  Perhaps I should have called it “Pink and Lyme”?

And I can’t tell you how amazing it feels to actually feel like I’m supposed to.  Right now, I feel like I’m on drugs.  Actually, one of the only ways I was able to even try to feel ok when I was sick, was if I smoked a little pot.  I’m very much in favor of the medicial properties of pot, and the recreational uses as well.

So last night I’ve sketched out pretty much all my shoots that will last me till pretty much the end of the year, and maybe more.

I’m going to make a separate announcement about this, but I want to say that if you’re thinking of joining my site but are worrying about too few updates and my lack of participation on my site, AUGUST IS THE BEST MONTH TO JOIN.  JOIN NOW.

I’m going to make an announcement later today about what new features are coming to my site.

But it’s good to feel good again.

 

-Tara

Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments

My brain is back online, which means my body will follow.

Hello everyone.  I would say to ignore the last entry I wrote, but I guess for now I should keep it so that you can see the difference Not Being Sick makes.

It’s Thursday and I’m feeling better.  The last 2 or 3 weeks were a terrible detour from where I want to be.  Allow me to backtrack a little bit.

The week of July 4th I put up that new shoot “Pretty as a Picture”.  I probably should have just kept on going with the next shoots after that but I was unsure which outfit to work on.  I do have air conditioning in my sewing room and in my studio (though it’s a little feeble in my studio, but not impossible), so I really had no excuse to not work on anything.   Except I had grander plans.

First off, I wanted to take a little time to prepare for a car show, which was the weekend of the 10th.  This was purely my reward for all the work I had done on my site (which wasn’t just “Pretty as a Picture”, there was other coding work and html pages I had spend some effort working on, though not all of it has been uploaded.)

Well, the next thing on the horizon was that I was throwing a party at my studio on the 23rd.  When I open my studio up to people in the fetish scene, it actually spurs me to work on projects, because I’m showing outsiders all the things that are going on here.  I’m so immersed in my own little world that I often don’t realize how much of a Wonderland it is.  So that was on the horizon.   And I had unfinished renovations in my kitchen-  this party would be a good deadline to shoot for.  At this point I knew that it might siphon some time away from whatever new shoot I might work on, but I was very much prepared to drop all construction work and jump straight into shoots right after the party.  But I also thought maybe I could sneak in something the week before as well.

Well, then I got a big DVD order from the Transformation Magazine guys.   You know, I thought DVD’s were dead, but every time I think that’s the case, they go and order 20 or 30.  I make $10 off each one,  so it’s a nice boost and totally worth doing it.

Trouble is, I never professionally had DVDs made up, because I didn’t want to end up with boxes and boxes of unsold DVDs, and the further the 2010′s went along, the less likely I would even bother doing that was.  In fact I have two almost finished DVD’s in production that I never finished because I was convinced there wasn’t enough demand for them.

But apparently, my fans would ironically buy my movies on VHS if that’s all it was available on.   So I had to whip up 20 DVDs that week.  Of course, it’s gotten to the point where you can’t buy regular thickness DVD cases in any brick and mortar store (unless you drive into Boston, a 3 to 6 hour round trip depending on traffic).   This time I finally bulk ordered like 200 of them off of Amazon, but to fulfill this order, I literally had to raid my own dvd collection for clean cases!

So any chance I was going to have of  squeezing a shoot in sort of evaporated, though I thought maybe I would a few days before the party (around July 20th).  And then well, Trump happened.

Look, I’m not going to tell anyone how to vote, and I will say right here that I don’t like Hillary Clinton, but I fucking hate Donald Trump.   It’s not even so much anything about his policies, I’m just sick to death of hearing from him.  Like really, I swear even his supporters must be suffering from Trump fatigue right now.

So the week before the party, somehow he worked his way into my brain.  I stumbled across an article or two that made me even hate him more, and I’m going to tell you, hey way I then felt for most of that week was exactly the way that characters in Harry Potter feel when they encounter a Dementor, like all the goodness had been sucked out of me.

And more importantly, I completely lost the ability to be horny or have an orgasm.  I swear to God,  yes, Trump killed my boner.

I think what troubles me the most about this election is not so much the candidates, but that somehow we live in a world where parallel universes are a real thing.   Like most of Trump’s supporters really do believe that the Clintons’ had all those people murdered and Obama is really from Kenya, etc.  And the reality is that all of it has to be true, or all of it has to be false.  It bothers me that we live in an age of information where every theory or opinion is literally on the same level.  Whatever you believe, you’ve had to go and believe that, whatever side you are on.  I don’t even know if the truth is somewhere in the middle, heck, maybe Trump is 100% right about all that and Ted Cruz’s dad masterminded JFKs assassination too.

So I’m mostly bothered by the fact what whatever the outcome of this election (and you’re free to vote however you want, and please, NO POLITICAL DISCUSSION in the comments, they will all be deleted), whomever wins, there are going to be a LOT of unhappy people.  Like probably violently unhappy.  I miss the days when political opponents were just various shades of opinion, but still essentially on the same side.  Now people’s determination to be whatever the opposite of what they don’t like, has descended into the absolute ridiculous.  It’s almost like an Onion article years ago about someone running for political office, that was considering a “pro-rape” position because his opponent was “anti-rape”.

So who knows, maybe Trump will win and everything will be fine, but for me that just invalidates the entire Obama years, which I don’t think were as horrible as people think.  I’m disturbed at how terrible to polarization has become, but to get back to the story, I’m just so sick of hearing from Trump, and yes, he literally killed my sex drive.

But I had my party anyway, and it was a great diversion.  I almost cancelled it because of the heat wave, but that literally broke hours before the guests arrived.  It was that touch and go, and I had to run the AC all day just to keep it under 80 until the temps went back down in the evening.  I’m glad I had the party, because had I cancelled it,  it would have just been one more thing on the unfinished pile of projects.  One more thing where I flew too close to the sun only to get my wings singed.

So I took a day off after the party, you know, clean up and all that, and this past Monday I was all ready to jump back into work and then..

Well, I got walloped with a mystery illness.  It wasn’t just that the depression was back (and even at the party the libido was non existent)  I had some sort of fever, and fevers do weird things to me.  Have you ever had a fever dream?  The best way I can describe a fever dream is a dream of trying to perfectly stack books but each time I put one on the pile, the one on the bottom fell off.  And this is the only dream you have all night.  I had hot flashes and woke up in sweat a lot.  Really?  Of all times, I really don’t need this now.
Compounding things, I STILL have not received my tax adjustment for 2014 that is a large chunk of money, enough to make me current.  No, instead of my head being above water, I’m perpetually a month late on my bills (well, mostly rent and mortgage because those were the first to go in favor of paying ones that would increase due to late fees).  It’s not like you’re just keeping your head above water, instead you’re wearing concrete overshoes in a 7 foot deep pool and you’re literally inches away from being able to breathe, but instead, you’re holding your breath, for months.  To be more accurate, for about a year and 3 months.

So my own personal anger at H&R block for failing to include my “business use of home” forms in my income taxes for 2014, has grown to the I’m ready to go shoot up Block with a AK-47 place in my brain, and it’s taking a lot of self control not to go to that dark dark place.  I think what pisses me off about it is that when they did catch the error and submitted the forms to the IRS to fix my 2014 taxes, they never took responsibility or even cited a reason for why I was now asking for more money back.  At the time it happened, I was just happy it was going to be fixed, but now I see that I really let them off the hook far too easily.

Update on that: I have an phone appointment with Block on Saturday where I’m going to explain my situation and request that they inform the IRS of the reason for the adjustment in my income taxes.  Even if it doesn’t speed anything up (it’s been like 16 weeks so far when they said it was supposed to be 12)   I need that damn money now.   Oh, and I’m never going to Block ever again

So that’s what’s going on, and somewhere in the middle of my weird head fever I posted the previous post.  Like I said, I’ll probably delete it, it does sound a bit insane and very depressed.

It’s Thursday now and I did drag myself over to the hospital and checked myself in.  Of course, by the time you’ve gone and done that, that’s when you’re out of the woods anyway, and a few hours in, I was pretty certain my brain had come back online.  Of course it took hours to discharge me, and none of the tests they ran really said much, though they treated me for Lyme Disease anyway.  I’ve found more than one teeny tiny deer tick on me, and I think I know like 4 people this season who have gotten the dreaded Lyme..  It’s probably not that, but whatever, the antibiotics will probably help fight off whatever it is that’s eating me away..

The rest of tonight I’m taking it easy, but it’s really nice to be able to think straight again.  Please, just for the sake of my own heath, I don’t want to hear anything either way about the candidates.  When I’m feeling better I’ll get involved however I feel I want to.  I sorta live in a blue state anyway, I don’t think my vote really matters that much (and I don’t find the third party candidates that appealing either).

Tomorrow I get back to work, I swear I will!

-Tara

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Getting back to work this week, maybe. who knows? Perhaps I’m done.

But right now I’m sick.  I’ve been having a pretty rough couple of weeks.

Business is not going well, and it’s even worse when your sick because it’s not like you get sick days or anything.  I really hope I pull myself out of this and do an update in a few days.

I’m discouraged.  Depressed about a lot of things actually.  I’m not sure I want to go into detail about it but I think I can say that the week of the RNC was literally the most miserable and unhappy of my life, emotionally.   I literally cannot go back to feeling that way again and yet bet that’s coloring who I vote for.  Maybe I’ll write about it, but then again, I don’t want to go back to that dark place.

I’m unhappy about the stagnation of my career, and  that itself beats me down, makes me not want to produce anything, etc.  Everything snowballs and then here I am extremely upset at H&R Block about basically fucking up my taxes to the point where I’m perpetually a month late paying my bills all because this tax adjustment STILL hasn’t been approved or has arrived.

If I feel a little better tomorrow maybe I’ll brainstorm some ideas to get business running better, but there’s an overall sense of bleakness and doom and I’m wondering if my lifestyle is unsustainable, even if it’s scaled back as much as I can.  I’m at that point in my life where I’m forced to either pay health insurance or my mortgage payment or groceries, but probably not all three at once.

I’m sorry, but if I can’t turn things around in a few months, maybe I’m through.  If I receive another glowing piece of fan mail from someone who has never been a member of my site, I’m gonna start killing people.

Hope I feel better tomorrow, though I doubt I will.

-Tara

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Coming Soon! “Pretty as a Picture”

So here’s how my new version of that green gingham outfit came out.  I’m still ramping up my confidence to make something that’s all new, so to warm up I decided to pull out an old chestnut of an outfit.

I kept the outfit and the hairstyle simple, and focused more on trying to get the natural and reflected light to be right.

Called “Pretty as a Picture” (which now that I think of it, is a very dated phrase from a time when photography was relatively rare), I’m currently editing the set, which takes about 4x longer than actually taking the pictures themselves…

So it’ll take me a few more days to get these up onto the site.  Hopefully it’s worth the wait, and I’m also enjoying working on my images and making them look as good as possible.  I look across the beautiful body of my work, I want to bring all my images up to their best, even stuff I shot 10 years ago.

Of course, my body is so much more shapely and my lips far more pouty and my makeup even better, I don’t know if I will be able to see past these deficiencies of my previous work.  Take this one for example.  Why wasn’t I trying harder to make my lips and eyelashes bigger?

Well, that was 12 years ago, this is now:

I gotta say, I’m REALLY happy with my new tits and with the subtle changes the brow surgery did for my face.

-Tara

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